some random thoughts on Christmas eve...

Am home now...I suppose I will consider Vancouver home for a long time to come...all that is familiar to me...my heart...it is here...

Flew in late on Friday evening...travelling from LAX was interesting...lots of ppl going home for the holidays...security was heightened to orange alert (more on that later:P)...all in all, not one of the highlights of week...

I suppose with the season, the level of paranoia (sense of security) in the US is high...but spent a considerable amount of time running back and forth at LAX. First of all, the 405 was terrible...it took more than 2 hrs to go from TO to LAX...even though I was in a shuttle, I was developing road rage:P Checked in, waited in line with 50 others for the X-ray machine...then trudged over to the security checkpoint...where a really nice lady pointed out that the lotions a friend had asked me to buy would be thrown out (b/c of alert status)...so ran back to the X-ray area to see if I could load them into my luggage...when I saw more than 100 ppl, my heart sank...but thanks to some big hearted ppl and security, I was able to stow those precious lotions in my bag (you owe me, Jen!!!)...40 mins in line to get a burger, a 3 hr flight later...I was home:)

*************

Over the years, my relationship with my dad hasn't been the most comfortable (to put it mildly)...but I think he appreciates what I do more now...he was very happy to see me...and I am glad. One cannot pick one's family...one can only make the best of it, methinks...

*************

During these holidays, I realize that I must appreciate those around me more...to be honest, though I am not religious (in the defining sense)...I do feel blessed. Those few who consider me a friend...and those who never wavered in their faith, even when I "forgot" who they were...I will never forget.

I suppose, as I write now (and think a little:P)...my moving made me realize how fortunate I am...the one who helped and trusted me (when most others would refrain)...the one who helped me find a friendly face in a place where I saw none...the one who thought that I was worth waiting for (even though I was more than a thousand miles away)...the two who welcomed me into their home (as if I had never left)...for everyone, these ppl have no names...but for me...they will always have a place in my heart and mind...as I will never forget...no matter where the road of life leads...

So at this time of year...though I feel what I do for these ppl is small and insignificant...I am very thankful that these ppl are a part of my life...it is truly my honour...

*************

So to all, I wish you the very best. I hope you will be able to spend all your moments with those you love...and that you too, will feel as I do...blessed:) May the New Year bring into existence all that simply exists in your heart and mind now...

:)

the first two days...

Well, made it! Not through the week yet, but at least through two days! The past week has been interesting to say the least! Where shall I begin...

Let's see...how about starting with the good ol' DMV. If I were a tourist or someone NOT eligible for a Social Security Number, I could get a California DL in no time; however, because I am eligible AND have a valid BCDL, I cannot until I have a SSN - lovely! No SSN, no DL, no bank account, no health benefits (though I hope that will be remedied soon), yada, yada, yada... Sheesh, I may as well come from a village with horse drawn carriages being the mode of transportation.

Well, after one week, got a phone (though I had to pay a $500 deposit)...got a place to live (with a seemingly nice Chinese family that I was referred to by my ex-supervisor's old classmate (who also happens to work at the same company))...got a PO box (for my toys:P...just kidding - will help if I have to move a lot...though hope not)...got my bank account too:)...no credit cards though. What else? Hmmm, could finally log in to my computer...my phone has been delivered and works! Have my security badge...after I was told that even though I had an employee ID, phone, computer and everything else set up prior to my arrival...that I didn't exist in the system...gotta love that:P

Well, it's been pretty good. My office mate has been phenomenal...she has really gone out of her way to make me feel at home...and help me with the little things...for that I am very thankful...am lucky that I have met so many nice ppl in my short time here...I hope it continues:)

Well, enough blabbing about nonsense...three more days...then I get to go home:)

Hmmm...I wonder where my stuff is? Maybe somewhere between here and home...hope it comes soon...

my last week at Xenon...

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. Had my exit interviews at Xenon last week - one from HR, which I thought was quite good...I didn't lose my temper and don't think I came across as being bitter (I was told I was "eloquent"...haha, who would have thought THAT about me???). The other with the director of the group.

With HR, I was asked to rate various issues and give my comments about my time spent at Xenon and what motivated me to leave. We talked about what made a good company...in my mind, at least, it is one that returns the employees' loyalty...one that would treat everyone (from top to bottom) as being in the same boat...in times of success and more importantly, in times of failure. Xenon never really did that, imho...in times of success, the ppl who were the best were not recognized (and I am not really talking about myself here)...and they grow frustrated and leave...in times of failure, the management, in their infinite wisdom, feels that cutting a low position (30K) will somehow extend the company's run towards an IPO...I never could understand this math. So I asked the lady handling the interview how the company would continue to mature and be its best, if all the best ppl simply left after receiving their training? She didn't have a good answer...but it was obvious that I wasn't the first to ask her this...she acknowledged this both directly and indirectly...

With the director of biology...this was interesting...in that we have worked together for 4.5 years...I worked hard...and he gave me a lot of opportunities...and vice versa. We talked for more than an hour. He simply reiterated why this company couldn't promote me to a PhD level position...that it would establish a precedence...and soon, everyone would be in that position...which, to quote the English, is bollocks! In my performance reviews, verbally and in my responsibilities, he has made it clear that I have been on that level for a long time...in fact, Xenon was going to create a new level for me...which I think is comical:P Well, no matter what the rules are, whether on a PhD level or not, there will always be a range in abilities and talent among a pool of ppl...not everyone with a PhD become a senior director. So, he said at the outset that he had seen this day coming for a long time...

In some ways, I would have liked to stay in Vancouver...it is home for me...it is the place that I am most familiar with. But at this point in my career, especially if I want to stay in science, I have to move out of my comfort zone...absolutely. And I can't think of a place that is further out of my comfort zone than LA:)

amusing:P...

quebec is now a nation...

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2006/11/27/nation-vote.html

As of today, the (former) province of Quebec is now a nation within a united Canada. I'm sorry...but I think this is a bit daft!!! I know there's history and culture that figure into this decision, but I cannot say I agree with this. Maybe in a few years, instead of provinces, they will all become states...then we can call ourselves the United States of Canada...shiite:(

an interesting thought...

Had a quiet moment...and was thinking...in an ideal world, we would share all our hopes, dreams and fears with the one we are with...but to be honest, sometimes I find I don't always adhere to this. Not sure why...not sure if this is normal...maybe it has something to do with one not being familiar and the other being more so. Is this a superficial matter...or one that runs deeper? I find that sometimes I am a paradox...I find this more and more as I observe myself...I wonder if we are all like this?

a bit sad...

Wrote my resignation letter tonight. Will deliver tomorrow. Felt a bit sad. Not really b/c I was leaving Xenon...after all, I had been there 4.5 years...don't get me wrong, I will be leaving a great group...Xing and Jen really made it fun going to work...and I think I made it amusing for them too...and most days, I was lucky...I got to play:)

I think it finally hit me...all the things and ppl that I would leave behind in Vancouver...sometimes a career is of the utmost importance...and at certain moments, it seems to mean less...not sure I can even adequately explain why I feel this way...but I do...

will miss my wakeup call...

Every morning...at about 8:15, I hear scratches on my door...once I open the door, a furry creature bounds into my room, jumps on my bed, chases his tail a few times, settles down and takes a nap:) Something I will definitely miss...but I suppose these brief moments are what make life worth living ;-)

got the offer...

Well, was woken up early on Monday morning...still had my night guard in my mouth (it makes me speak with a lisp:P)...and it was an offer...a chance to move to a different country...to go somewhere that may offer me a chance to grow...a chance to see how good I could be...

My reaction? The opportunity is nice...my future supervisor (I have accepted the offer)...he said that despite my lack of experience compared to the other candidates...he was impressed with me on my phone interview...and when I went for my onsite interviews...it confirmed his thoughts...and apparently I didn't piss too many ppl off:P Apparently, he felt I bring a lot of intangibles to the table...haha, little does he know:)

Will start Dec 18th...a new home...a new company...a totally new city and culture...away from my friends, family and my ma fan girl...away from all the things that made Vancouver home for me for all these years. To be honest...I feel a little sad. Sometimes, I have to remind myself...the really good things...the ones that are true...they will always be there. Maybe I am idealistic...but I prefer it that way...

So to something new...

...Cheers! :)

sad story:(...

Something I found on digg.com...someone's Masters' thesis...

flying on a jet plane...

Well, been back for a few days...am extraordinarily tired, but have slept too much...was sick with bad food poisoning a few days ago...so have no energy right now:(

BTW, not my pic...just found it on Flickr...and thought it was pretty cool. The night I returned home...it too was beautiful, but the image will only reside in my noggin:P Very cool descending down into YVR...with the moon lighting the cloud tops...and the city lights far down below...one of the moments worth living for, methinks...haha, will stop now:P

Amgen was interesting. Prior to going for my interviews...I think I had many reservations about relocating...I simply went with the attitude that not many ppl received invitations for onsite interviews...and b/c of that, I thought it was a nice compliment. But in my mind, there were many impracticalities of going...

Following my interviews...and visiting the campus (it really reminds me of university and not a large company of 20000 ppl)...combined with the way that I was treated in my time there...Amgen is clearly a first class organization. One of the ladies who interviewed me, she had been working at Amgen for more than 15 years...and said that her current group (Investigative Tox, the one I am applying to)...it is the best she has ever known. Another guy...the last to interview me (more on that later)...he came from Pharmacia...and he had been there for 3 years...he said he actually enjoyed coming to work. It was an atmosphere that fostered continuing scientific thought...in a non-competitive environment...one that many ppl thrived in.

I was asked why I was interested in the position...in a number of different ways...well, to be honest...it was simply that I wanted to move to the next level...I wanted to be in an environment where I could test my limits...for I have never been one who was simply content with remaining static...though I am lazy in my actions:P From my perspective...and from that of those who interviewed me...Amgen is a place where the imagination can run a little wild...that it doesn't seem having or not having a Ph.D. is a primary criterion in determining whether or not an individual has ability. And to top it off, it is a large company, with the feel of a small academic, collaborative lab atmosphere...and I found that very stimulating... The fact that Amgen treats its employees in an extraordinary manner...that doesn't hurt either:)

Some last thoughts...am not sure if I will get the job...but nonetheless, it really was eye-opening. I had an opportunity to see what the possibilities were...and that is a great learning experience.

The funniest memories...totally random here:P Managed to talk to every interviewer about snowboarding...and of all ppl, the senior director...the head of the entire Investigative Tox group...he simply stated that since he wasn't making the decision...we talked happily about the 19 inch pink salmon he caught while flyfishing in Squamish:) And to top it off, the last guy to interview me...he simply stated that I had probably entertained all the questions he could possibly think of...so he wasn't going to ask me anything...so he proceeded to tell me about guys' night out..."the night where one can do things that the wife would kill him for"...he was joking, as I got the sense he was a good family man...but it did tell me something...the ppl were really nice to me...and that goes a long way...I think that is a tribute more to them as ppl and as a company...than my ability (or lack thereof) to put ppl at ease:P

Back to sleep now:)

interesting day...

Well...after a 5 am wakeup and having my roomie drag himself out of bed to drive me to the airport...thanks Wayland!!!...I am sitting in my hotel room in Thousand Oaks.

I'm a morning person...but 5 am is too early...and am really tired...my mind is tired...I will be glad tomorrow when I am walking away from Building 27 at Amgen. To be honest, don't think my chances are that good...but this has been an interesting experience. Amgen is first class all the way...but before I get there...will take a step back in time:)

6 am at YVR was a busy time...not what I expected...it was pretty busy...lining up to go through US Customs was 3 rows deep. When I got to the customs officer...had the usual questions...where are you going?...why?...so I told him that I was going to an interview...so he asked me where I was going to work?...the US. Well, he clearly wasn't happy about that...muttered something about Canadians taking jobs away...and the TN situation getting out of hand, as the US government was handing out too many...then he gave me my documents and let me go on my way:)

The driver waiting for me at LAX...was a really great fellow...made the hour ride to my hotel more interesting...told me a little about the importance of family values, about raising kids (he was two sons: one a doctor and the other has a MBA; both working in the OC)...about learning something from everyone...

On to my area tour...Amgen arranges for a local company to show all their interviewees around the area (3 hr tour)...with an emphasis on personalizing the experience to the hobbies, lifestyle, etc of the individual. So I got a tour of the city and the surrounding areas...now I know Wayne Gretzky lives at Sherwood Lake:) We also stopped off at Trader Joe's to buy chocolate...I'm sure that was part of her itinerary:P...actually I convinced her that my need for "chocolate clouds" from the store was paramount to be mental wellbeing:P All in all, a very enjoyable afternoon...if only I wasn't so tired:(

But enough chitchat...have to eat...and then study a bit...will be a big day tomorrow...the worst thing is that I have to wear a suit:( Time to work how to convince the braintrust at Amgen that I am suitable for the village idiot position:P

cool song...

Just a song I really like... ;-)

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
Grey's Anatomy version...haha:P


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

a few more days...

...to my imminent doom...or should I say, until I embarrass myself completely and wet my drawers?!?

Should be studying right now...it's 2 am...and am feeling anxious...I know, I know...just another interview...I may just be putting too much pressure on myself. Right now, am trying to absorb FDA ICH guidelines on the clinical evaluation of QT/QTc prolongation...sigh...

But nonetheless...by 2:30 pm Pacific Time on Tuesday, I will be able to loosen my tie and breathe a big sigh of relief...

I suppose...since I have not actually written anything worthwhile...that I am, once again, doing what I do best...procrastinating:) Oh well...time to sleep!

cool ads...

Found this originally off digg.com

http://www.pronetadvertising.com/articles/creative-commercials-that-youll-never-forget.html

The one I like the most is the Firefox ad...haha

Enjoy:)

tough decisions ahead...

Won't delve too deeply at this point...as everything is in preliminary discussions right now...but there may be some interesting decisions in the weeks ahead. Up until a few years ago...I always thought I knew what I wanted...and who I was...but as I really look within...and know myself better...sometimes I am not sure...perhaps this, though unspoken, happens to many...

Right now, I should be preparing...in the short time ahead, there may be (I stress the word "may") a great opportunity...one that many would choose in less than a heartbeat...so on the eve of a potentially huge door opening for me...I am not sure if I am looking at a golden chance...or an abyss...maybe a little bit of both...the ambitious and practical part of me wants to seize this...the sentimental is much less sure...of what I may have to give up...the optimist believes that there will always be more chances in the future, if I don't choose this or it doesn't choose me...so my heart and mind are a little torn.

In the near future, will I have to choose between what is dear to my mind...and what is dear to my heart...are these choices mutually exclusive? Not sure...only time will tell, I suppose...

Pretty vague...I know...

sometimes it sucks to be Canadian...

Am going to go on a rant...Canada's 40th casualty in the "occupation" of Afghanistan was reported the other day...shortly after the 38th and 39th Canadian lives were lost, our esteemed Prime Minister Steven Harper was quoted in a speech that this was the "price of leadership in the world."

CBC coverage here:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2006/10/06/harper-leadership.html

Forgive me for having little confidence in our federal government...and for being scornful of what Mr. Harper has to say...but I would like to know what leadership Canada is showing is undertaking a purely military exercise in Afghanistan? Canada has traditionally been known as a peace keeping country...that is leadership...that is (or shall I use the past tense?) this country's reputation...everywhere the Canada flag is seen...it was a symbol of respect...and now...in the four years Canada has participated in Afghanistan...Canadian lives are being lost...and Canadians are participating in the loss of Afghani lives. For what end, may I ask? For many, myself included, there is little sense in Canada's presence...there is no goal...and for that...families lose their loved ones...

For Mr. Harper, this is a symbol of leadership...but I fail to see this...instead, I see Canada simply being a follower...in the tradition of Prime Minister Blair...on the heels of President Bush. These are not days in which I am proud to be Canadian...I think it is a shame that Mr. Harper, in this situation and in others, is sullying our country's reputation...I feel it is often easy to take the path of least resistance...than to stand tall against the bully that lies south of our borders...but that is simply my two cents worth. For this, Canadians will have to pay the price of losing all that was held dear for many generations prior to this one...

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

a bunch of random thoughts... :P

Been a while since I have written...time to flex my cramped fingers...with typing!:)

The past 3 weeks have been interesting...been taking a course with Kaplan to prep for the LSAT (more on that later)...getting recertified for first aid (and developing road rage simultaneously)...and continuing my charming ways as the village idiot:)

Kaplan cost me an arm and a leg...had to take a bank loan for that...and promise them my third child...haha, little do they know I don't plan to have 3 kids...suckas:) (Couldn't resist...if you don't get the humour, don't worry...neither do I...) Actually, the initial reason for my taking this course was to simply guilt myself into studying...and it did that. But I have to admit, it did open my eyes a little...where I thought I was strong...it turned out not to be the case...and where I thought myself weak...well, I was weak:) So, an unexpected benefit was that it helped me focus on what I need to do to achieve my end on the exam.

This experience wasn't all roses though...Kaplan cancelled my originally scheduled class (due to low enrollment) and shifted me into a class at UBC...I wasn't a happy camper...but I will refrain from going on a rant:)

Class hasn't been bad...the lawyer teaching the class is top-notch...all business, but with a sense of humour (definitely need that!). Been a while since being in such a class though...lots of type A personalities in the group...some very bright...others not the brightest crayons in the box...needless to say, those who know me well...I belong to the latter...but I talk little in class:)

*************

The past week has also seen me go through training for my OFA level 2 recertification...good class, excellent instructor...could talk trash much of the day...while learning life saving skills...important to stay relaxed in such moments, methinks...haha:P

Long days though...class at Oakridge all day, then off to UBC...all the time, exercising my Vancouver driving finger and developing my road rage... Am finding I have little patience when driving in heavy traffic...in the mornings, it took me almost an hour to drive 15 km to Oakridge...at 7 - 7:30 in the morning...shiite!!! Sigh...3 more days...2 days of practice and 1 day of exams (I hope I pass...I hope I pass...I hope I pass...)... :P

Back to studying the correct procedure on how NOT to kill someone:)

Till next time...
Cheerio...

PS I guess it wasn't really a bunch of thoughts, eh?...oh well, never could really count anyway:P

the days ahead...

Been in a thoughtful mood lately...though that doesn't exclude momentary lapses into being a twit:P

For many around me...friends, family...even myself...we face decisions every day...sometimes big, sometimes small...but we must always choose. When I look back on my life...there are many moments I would like to have back...many things I wished I didn't say...times when I could have done more, and didn't...and times when I did too much, when I shouldn't. And for all those times, I sometimes wonder how my life...and the lives of those around me...how they would be different...better or worse.

I know...this is an exercise in futility...one cannot change the past...but sometimes...when I have a small moment to myself...I wonder...what if? What if I hadn't walked away from something or someone?...what if I had said what my heart felt when it was bursting?...what if I had hung onto something instead of let it go?...where would I be? Absolutely no idea...b/c all those choices I made (no matter how good or bad)...they lead me to here and now...

My favourite poem...hope it doesn't violate any copyrights:)

The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

a brief blurb on relationships...

Been another long while...just been busy getting older (though not exactly wiser:P).

Had an interesting discussion with a friend the other day. He's been in a relationship for a while now...so I asked him his thoughts about his relationship and where it was presently and where he thought it would go...

He wasn't really sure...about whether this was what he wanted...about whether the girl he was with was the right one...or even if she had what he wanted. He said that he found it difficult to figure out the answers as he had few points of reference. So I asked whether this was fair to the girl...especially as their views were clearly not aligned...he wasn't sure...he said maybe one day he would figure out what he wanted (or didn't want). At the end of the day, their relationship is their journey...and it is their views and choices that will dictate the course of their lives. Will they be happy if they continue? Does the love of one sufficiently counteract the ambivalence of the other? Not sure...only they know and will find out...

Made me think a little though...there's a song...to paraphrase...should we be with the one we love or should we love the one we are with? Both require courage...but in different ways...the former comes with it great risk presently and the latter with great risk in the future. Some quotes:

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
-Walter Anderson

Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.
-Herodotus

If my quotes are any indication, I think it is obvious what I believe... ;-)

a thought...

It's been a long time since I have penned some of my thoughts...

Was thinking a short time ago... Actually, was at work...and spent a moment staring out the window and daydreamed...of course, this is an exception, as normally I never daydream:P But for a moment...perhaps b/c I had found out that I didn't get into the school I wanted...that I had to re-adjust my goals...and how I was going to achieve them...not sure what...maybe just a pensive moment with no roots...

What if we could see how our lives would turn out? What if...for a brief moment, we could see ourselves...in five years, ten...if we could know how our plans turned out? What would we give? Would we be willing to do it? Part of me would want to...no doubt...but part of me hesitates... At first, it was a "knee-jerk" reaction on my part...of course I wanted to know...if I would be sick...if I was successful, in family and career...what I would be doing...if my plans worked out...where I would be... But as I thought a little more, I realized I didn't want to know. Life can be short or long...our final destination is inevitable, but the journey is what makes life worth living... For some, the unknown is scary...to me, sometimes I feel this way...but also found within the unknown, is the beautiful... ...if one chooses to see it in that manner...and I do...

helping out...

Went with my friend to volunteer at the United Gospel Mission the other day...at first, not sure what to expect. The facility is found on Cordova St...an area I rarely frequent...and one of the most impoverished areas in Vancouver. For 2 hours, we helped in the kitchen...small tasks here and there...helped serve two rounds of dinners to those waiting at the doors...again, small things...but to paraphrase someone far wiser than I...to be faithful in small things, it is a big thing:)

I find it is these moments that lend balance to my live...to my perspective. In everyday life, it is easy to be consumed by what we have, what we don't have...that which we desire...with work, personal life...with family and friends...and don't get me wrong...these things are the threads that compose the fabric of our existence...but there is also a world beyond our little ones. I can only speak for myself...but it is simply too easy to be consumed by that which lies within...and to forget that we belong to a greater community.

So...these moments...small as they are...I can help those who need it...and in return, they help me... :) And that is all there is to it...in this, I am simple...or complicated, however you choose to see it:) And I will try to continue to do this...maybe if I do enough small things, they will one day make a big difference...

Just a small thought:)

a life worth living...

Have mulled over whether I should write this or not for awhile. People have told me that I tend to keep everyone at arm's length...that I rarely, if ever, let someone into my little world...that my guard is kept up behind my sarcastic, garbage-spouting mouth:P Not sure...but here goes nothing...a glimpse into my world...

It's funny to me sometimes...there have been times in my life where I felt little to no hope of things getting better...that things couldn't get worse (and they did). Don't get me wrong...I am not trivializing those who have had a harder time. I look at my father...my sister...and myself...we travelled the same road, but seemingly our destinations differ. My sister grows more cynical (though she is less bitter now)...she seems happier now...am glad, really am happy for her. My dad?...him, I cannot figure out.

When my mom was sick, she fought...maybe I am like her...life is too precious...no matter what happens, it is our one shot...(will not get into a debate with those more religiously inclined about the life after this one)...but what we know...what we really know...is that this is all we have...at least that's how I feel. My dad, on his good days, is easy enough to get along with (though those moments are often fleeting...and often reserved only for my sister)...on most other days, he, unlike most parents I know, seems more concerned with his misery (though life is far easier than it once was...but for him, this is nothing compared to the life he knew in his youth)...so as such, he waits for death. It's impossible for me to tell him to appreciate life...I can't make him be thankful for what he has...so though I do not want to give up...I may have no alternative. It's his life...but to me, it is not living...it is dying slowly one minute at a time, ignoring all that is dear...embracing the inevitable, but forsaking the journey...maybe at the end of the day, it is all just about our attitude...

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows."
-Helen Keller

haha, another new toy:P

Finally received my bluetooth GPS receiver for my pocket PC...ha! Am quite excited, though was a bit confused by the fact that I must charge the unit's battery for 8 hours prior to use, but it only comes with a car charger, guess I won't be using it for another month:)...kind of silly, methinks. But seriously, have been waiting for this to go on sale for quite a long time (it was more than 50% off, so not bad deal!)...now I will be able to figure out how to go from my bedroom to the kitchen using satellites, if I ever forget:P Hey...you never know with me...haha:P

rear-ender...:(

Another day, another accident...sigh! Not so long ago, got side-swiped by someone...and then the guy drove off...but was so peeved, that I chased him down. Yesterday, was driving along Broadway, minding my own business...stopped at an intersection for a red light...and lo and behold...a huge jolt later...find out a woman in her pickup truck had just driven into my car. My blood pressure rose...I think my face got red...steam started coming out of my ears...then I got out of my car. It turns out that the woman was trying to change lanes, but clearly misjudged the distance. Police were on the scene immediately, as they happened to be in the area.

The "funny" thing was that I had never encountered this before in my life...the woman was in tears...she was very apologetic...so I asked what was wrong...(by this time, I had cooled off)...through her sobbing, she just said she had had a rough few days and was trying to get home to sleep. The officer asked her for her driver's license...she didn't have it...she had left it at a gas station as collateral because she couldn't pay for gas...normally the police can lay charges, but I think the officer could see the situation...once he was sure we could handle it, he and his partner left the scene...

What started one way...ended up another...it goes to show that there are many in this world who are less fortunate than I...makes me realize that I should be grateful for all that I have:)

new toy:P

Ah, finally jumped from the Telus ship to the Rogers ship...well, after a couple of hours of fiddling with my new toy, I am quite happy:) Funny, am getting old, but still am amused by such weird little things...maybe there's no hope, will stay a kid forever...surely much to the chagrin of those around me...hahaha...

I normally read reviews prior to buying something, so this time will contribute back in a small way:)

Short review of the Sony Ericsson W600 Walkman phone:

Pros:
-quad band GSM phone
-1.3 MP camera
-256 MB internal storage
-UI is very good
-"different" form factor
-call clarity is excellent
-long battery life
-bluetooth, IR and EDGE-compliant

Cons:
-camera is fixed focus (cheaper to manufacture)
-external loop antenna
-don't like orange (thank goodness there is another faceplate:P)

Other impressions:
Most reviews I have come across highlight the lack of memory card slot as a disadvantage, since this is a Walkman phone - for me, I tend to use my nano as my primary music player (it has advantages in size, capacity and sound quality, to mention a few). As such, not a big deal. I would have preferred to have a better auto-focus camera, such as that found in some of the higher-end phones. However, my practical side won out...couldn't justify spending a minimum of 400 - 500 bucks on an "Asian" phone (imported from HK mostly, with all the latest bells and whistles)...fully knowing that once the initial delight with all the features wore off, it would simply be just a cell phone. For some of you who know me well...all I have to say is "Ha!"...for once, I did something practical:P

rebuttal for a friend... ;-)

Ha! I knew it! Hopefully you won't feel antagonized by what I have to write...not meant to be personal:)

Morality is a foundation upon which society must never depart from. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that "the time is always right to do what is right"...or something to that extent...forgive me if I quote incorrectly:) On one hand, there are many that believe what you do...that loosening the strings of morality will lead to a terrible end...that one MUST never compromise...no matter what the circumstance. But I implore you to entertain this idea...morality is theoretical (on a certain level)...the problems in society are not. Morality, in and of itself, is dead...how one implements it..that is living...and because of that...one cannot always be inflexible...if we are, then we are no better than those casting their views down from the "ivory tower."

Morality...sometimes, is not a solution...or a means...for me, rather, it is an end. But to achieve that end, I think it is necessary to be flexible at times...otherwise, our eyes are closed, methinks... I am not trying to dissuade you, and others, from your position...however, "real solutions" must be attempted...I will be the first to admit...they may not work...but they have to be tried...maybe my opinion is not the best...but something must be done!!! There is no doubt about the urgency of this matter...irrespective of the consequences! You are right...the HIV infection rates may not decrease...prostitution may not decrease...but it never has...right back to biblical times. We are dealing with living human beings...some may die...and be forgotten...but others will fill their place...as a society, we cannot forget these souls...that, above all, is not right!

So I ask you...what is your solution? I am not asking what your morals are...it doesn't matter whether you are Christian or not. What I propose is not for society to ignore everything...it is for society to do something to help those that most people conveniently forget about. And since you bring religion into this...how can a god blame his followers for trying to help his fellow human being? You present instances in which a country's GDP consists of a large proportion of proceeds from prostitution...that is a policy instituted by that country...it is NOT what I am proposing...and I don't condone the legalization of prostitution...though, in practice, it is almost at that state. To lump a system with little controls with something that consists of "checks and balances," albeit different than the "checks and balances" currently in place...sorry to say this...but it is simply convenient...and short-sighted. I can counter every one of your statements...and your expected outcomes with a more optimistic outlook...but I won't...:P

I think it is time to come down from the tower and make a difference...perhaps the end will show that our differences may not be so great after all...

...just some thoughts:)

interesting discussion last night...

"The mark of an educated mind is the ability to entertain a thought without accepting it."
-Mark Twain

Had a very short, but interesting talk with one of my friends at dinner last night. To set the stage...she is Christian...has a strong personality (in some things, but not in others...a paradox somedays, methinks)...and has a strict sense of morals. I am not Christian (though have had many try to convert me)...I too have a strong personality (some days it is a strength and on other days, people can't stand me)...and I too have a strong sense of morals (though one which is not grounded in religion). So, for this brief moment, I will open the door to my social consciousness...it is rather pathetic...try not to talk too much most days because I end up putting my foot in my mouth...;-)

Like I said, it was a very short discussion...can't remember what prompted this...but I think I got her hackles raised a bit...am good at that:P So, will outline my side...and hopefully it will allow both sides to entertain the thoughts in a cooler manner:) Our discussion was on the legalization of drugs...a rather contentious issue, especially with the situation in the downtown Eastside and other instances throughout the Western world. I have to preface what I will write next with some preliminary comments...I do NOT have the answers...I have NOT thought of ALL the consequences of what I believe in (I lack the experience to do this, even if I had the time)...but I do believe strongly in what I will write next. And to further qualify my following statements, I have considered other alternatives, but in considering the "pros" and "cons" of each, I believe this offers the most upside, despite the disadvantages inherent to it. Without further ado...

Vancouver is in a very interesting position...the downtown Eastside, to my knowledge, has a high prevalence of drug abuse, prostitution...the incidence of HIV infection is the highest in Canada, if not North America...St. Paul's Hospital treats an enormous cohort of AIDS-infected individuals. The social and economic impact of this area is incalculable...merchants in nearby Chinatown protest the construction of safe injection houses...police turn a blind eye to the possession of small amounts of marijuana...people are afraid of walking in a part of town which was once booming (those who have lived here for a long time will know this - my great grandfather used to visit the Woodward's department store every $1.49 day...my 1 month birthday ("muen yuet") celebration was at a restaurant across the street...it was the best restaurant in Vancouver at the time)...now it is a decrepit area...developers are trying to maximize the use of the prime real estate there...and ultimately hope to push those forgotten individuals to the fringes...and all these things frustrate me...it doesn't make any sense to me.

Drug use...in some regards...it is a choice...but in others, it is not. From the perspective on my side of the fence...ie...relatively well educated, have led a sheltered life (compared to those I write about now), had the opportunities to do most of what I like...most people I know belong here. And in some ways, at risk of offending many, it can result in the establishment of a moral high ground...and it is not a good thing...especially as society searches for answers to tough questions and solutions to even more worrisome situations. With the residents of the Eastside, we are not dealing with objects...they are people, like us...with their flaws, their failures, their dreams...and again like us, the same blood courses through their veins.

There is no doubt, most, if not all, of these individuals are drug users...many are infected with HIV and other viruses (from dirty needles, unprotected sex, etc)...there are some who are mentally handicapped...those who are rational, but have fallen on hard times...there are the young, the old...they are often the ones that society has left behind. I once read somewhere, that the way to judge a society...it is to look at how it treats it's poor (I can no longer remember where I read this...but am not smart enough to come up with this myself:P)...in some parts of the States, the city gets a Greyhound bus and goes around town to collect all the homeless people and ship them off to a different city...in Vancouver, we just push them all to the downtown Eastside or to parts of Surrey...

In any society, there are certain things that no matter what the powers do...it is impossible to stamp out...prostitution (coined the world's oldest profession) and drug abuse are two that come to mind. The policy of most societies in the developed and developing world is to police the drug trade...try to stifle it...to use force to strangle the life out of something that cannot be killed...in my opinion, it is a futile process. In Latin America...drug lords rule...they have the money, the power AND the guns. In the States, it is estimated that with all the billions (maybe hundreds of billions) of dollars put into policing the drug trade...only 1% of the illegal drugs entering the country are stopped...I am not an economist, but to me, that is a terrible, terrible investment...it is a waste of resources...a waste of human life lost in policing this...lives lost in the gang turf wars...lives of drug users lost when they overdose on crack cocaine because it is too pure. And could these resources be put to better use...I think so...the States have a terrible literacy track record...hospitals refuse those dying, simply because they don't have health insurance...I could go on...

But what the US does is not critical here...in Canada...the "war on drugs" is less dramatic...but there are always examples... I do not know the figures...how much the Canadian government spends on policing the drug trade...hundreds of millions of dollars?...more? less? no idea, to be honest... Drug abuse, in my mind, is a problem...won't try to romanticize it the least bit...but it has to be addressed...the system is simply not working...dirty needles are killing people...one way or the other...the drug quality is killing people (can you think of any news stories where a teenager tried ecstasy (or more commonly known as "E") for the first time at a rave...and paid for it with their life...simply because the drug purity/quality was compromised?)..."druggies" killing police officers...police officers killing druggies...rival drug dealers "knocking" each other off...need I go on? It is a social problem...and a wide reaching one, at that...at the end of the day though, this is just my opinion.

I support legalization. Plain and simple. Give people safe injection houses...give them clean needles...take the power away from the drug dealer (this is simple economics..."supply and demand"...make something illegal...if there is a profit to be made, then someone will jump in and fill that demand)...treat the addicts as patients, not criminals. Pushing this problem and these people to the fringes...it is not a solution, it never will be...so why not treat them as fellow members in our society?...why not treat them as people? After all, they are... All the resources that are currently being used to fight the drug trade...put it into something more productive...fighting a battle that cannot be won on it's current front...it is silly...win it using a different strategy. Having the government provide "safe" drugs...I don't believe more people will become drug users...this is counter-intuitive. I, for one, will never try these drugs...even if they were free...and I don't think I am an exception.

Make it safe for these people...they won't go away if we ignore them...put some of the money from policing into treating them...who knows?...maybe, once we welcome them back into the fold as members of OUR society, they will one day help make our society better... Even if these individuals don't make our society better (a thought I find hard to believe), our society will be better...you can count on it!

A contentious issue, no doubt...but one worth thinking about...

a bunch of random thoughts...

It's been quite awhile since I posted the garbage from my brain...so instead of organizing everything into neat, coherent packages...that is too boring...so will meander aimlessly for awhile:P

Well, Chinese New Year has come and gone...observed some "funny" customs that most Chinese people will be quite familiar with...funny, pride myself on being rational, but still observe these customs...maybe a holdover from the days when I was young and impressionable...well before I became logical...oh wait, I'm still waiting for that to happen;-) Oh well...some things don't change...haha

Got a concussion and whiplash last weekend while snowboarding...guess I am still stupid...am a beginner (only been up the mountain 5 or 6 times)...just figured out how to carve and decided I wanted to ride up the embankments on the side of the Collins run at Cypress...well, the desire was there, but unfortunately the skill wasn't quite there...yet! Came off at high speed, lost my edge and fell down the hill backwards...cracked my head on some very hard snow and got whiplash as well. Actually this time I knew there was something wrong...I just sat in the snow for a bit...because I didn't quite feel right...can't explain it better than that. The consequences???...well, had headaches for 3 or 4 days and couldn't move my head fast without pain shooting up and down my neck...but there is a silver lining once again...it had no effect on my intellect...you see, my IQ can't possibly get any lower!!! So, this weekend...am being a vegetable and finding some time to write garbage:P But next weekend, watch out!...the terror of the hills will return...and if you value your life and limb, avoid Cypress Mountain like the plague:P

In terms of writing...no time these days...can't seem to find enough of it...between trying to learn mandarin, work, snowboarding, playing NHL2006 on my PC and twiddling my thumbs...there don't seem to be enough hours in the day. Maybe I have to cut back on the game playing...or maybe not:P

creativity...

A-ha! Finally someone who wrote this down in a simple, but brilliant way:) Saw this first on digg.com by a dude called Hugh MacLeod - here's the link:

http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/000932.html

But I will post the short, customized version:P

1. ignore everybody
2. the idea doesn't have to be big. it just has to change the world.
3. put the hours in
5. you are responsible for your own experience
6. everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten
13. never compare your inside with somebody else's outside
17. merit can be bought. passion can't
19. sing in your own voice
25. you have to find your own schtick
26. write from the heart

a comedy of errors...

Haha...was up at Cypress tonight...3rd time snowboarding this year...once more and I will have made my season pass worth it:P...ok, ok, so I am cheap, what can I say???...guilty as charged:)

Well, the day started out normally enough...with the exception of my gf driving her family's SUV up the mountain...nothing exciting about this, in and of itself...however...it was her first attempt at driving up there...so aside from hair-raising turns on the curves and driving on two lanes on highway 1...she is a typical female driver...enough said...again, my life expectancy may have decreased a few years with that statement, but it is the truth...and nothing but the truth!!!

3rd time down the first run we did...my gf decided to give a kid a lot more room coming off the chairlift...her skis (she likes skiing, I like boarding...among our many differences:P)...they slid under my board...she wipes out, taking me with her and to top it all off, the chair slides around and smacks me right in the head...I will sue, if this affects my intelligence...oh wait, forgot, my IQ can't get any lower!:(...never mind...

Then we decided to try to longer run...actually it was much longer...more on that later...she was a bit apprehensive on the way up...the chairlifts were running faster...the fog was coming in...the mountain looked much steeper...and the ride up was quite long...me...I was quite excited... So, wiped out spectacularly coming off the chairlift...didn't get hit in the ol' coconut this time, thank goodness. We took off down the hill...quite fun...still not quite stable on my board yet, but coming along...as I go down the hill...I see my gf fall and was slow getting up...so stop next to her and thought she was injured...so naturally I unbuckle my board...lo and behold, lost the grip on the board...and then proceeded to watch it fly down the slope, until it disappeared from sight...shiite!!! And I hadn't even gone a quarter of the way down! Well, from then on, it was a rather brisk walk down the mountain...the air was crisp...the scenery was nice...what more could a guy ask for?...how about my D#*(%&^ board?

Finally got to the bottom of the hill...took me about 20 - 30 mins...talked to the dude checking passes...I couldn't help but laugh when he told me he had NEVER heard of this happening before...sigh...my 15 seconds of fame! Ski patrol couldn't find my board...so trudged back to the rental office...my gf couldn't believe that I still had my sense of humour intact:P...I told her we would have lots of good stories to tell one day ;-) Guess what?...someone turned in the board...saved the day...a stroke of good fortune, in the face of bad luck...maybe the gods smiled down on me...since I was trying to do a good thing:) Actually am glad the board didn't hit anyone.

Ah, before I forget, as I had my nature walk down the mountain, was talking to one of the snowboarders coming down, apparently my board zoomed by him while he was on his way down ...with a couple of kids in pursuit...sigh...let me reiterate...my 15 secs of fame:P

Such is another day in the life of my mundane existence...:P

a few thoughts and some questions...

Received a call from the past this morning...surprised me...made me do some thinking...

If we open the doors to our hearts, even the slightest bit, to another human being...is it truly possible to ever close that door? If we have loved, even the smallest amount...is it possible to forget that love?...am not sure... Is it unfair when we choose to open our hearts to someone else?...if we cannot close the door entirely on the love we once shared with another...do we somehow love that new person less?...or have less of a capacity for them?

Have been in a strange mood much of the day...but like all things that no longer "exist"...this too will pass...

interesting IM session...

Was chatting with a friend on GoogleTalk this morning...when I had a brief reprieve from all the usual business at work. It was interesting on a number of different levels...prior to this year, I had never really considered her a friend...she was one of my sister's best friends...so I knew she existed, but never really talked to her that much. This year, after having known her for 12 or 13 years now (I think)...I met up with her while attending a conference in San Jose...we did the tourist thing and hung out with my sis as well...turns out she is a pretty cool person.

So, after I got back, we kept in touch once in awhile via one IM client or another. Today she was telling me about her current relationship...won't discuss too much...have to respect her privacy...but I also didn't get all the juicy details:P...sigh, I lead such a mundane existence that I must live vicariously through the lives of others:( Anyway, she was asking about how my gf and I were doing...and she was lamenting the fact that she couldn't find what I have had and what I have now. All her relationships had gone nowhere...so she had decided that it was better to live for the moment...since life is short. In reply, I said that for myself...I don't bother with that...that's why I choose not to date people casually...some people can date 3 different people in a month...boring old me...only dated 3 girls in my life. On one hand, this must be testament to my charming personality (or lack thereof) and my redeeming qualities (seemingly nonexistent); on the other hand, I made a conscious choice...because life is too short...I think it is better to be alone than to be just with someone, anyone...I think some people abhor the thought of being lonely...

For me, in some of my relationships...now that I look back...sometimes it was simply a case of the right person, but wrong time...hopefully, I have learned from my mistakes. And who knows, maybe when it is all said and done, I too will be alone...

(am aware that this post meanders nowhere in a rather lazy fashion:P...but I prefer it that way...warts and all!)

first snowboarding experience...

Survived my first snowboarding experience at Cypress:P My knees are bruised...my wrists are sore...have a slight hyperextension of my right elbow...my butt hurts...and my pride is a little bit bruised too...but it was a blast! Once I heal a bit...off to the slopes I go again:)

Actually it was a fun experience...was exhausted by the end of the day though, partly because I was brilliant enough to go work out on Friday and Saturday...on Sunday, took a beginner's lesson with my gf...the small practice hill was ok...not too many spectacular spills, but I did have a penchant for drifting towards the fence...as I do not really know how to control my direction all that well:) Then the instructors decided it was good to go up the chairlift and do a run...well, my two runs consisted of wiping out as soon as I got off the chairlift and then falling rather ungracefully every 5-10 metres...needless to say, I was the last person down...my butt was so sore that I ended up walking the last part of the hill...am quite ashamed to admit this...sigh:(

Oh well, next weekend, will brave the hills again...am determined to learn this!!!:)

happy new year...

Well...that time of year again...time to recover from a hangover (didn't go out this year and hangovers aren't my cup of tea)...time to lament over the size of one's credit card bill (will do that tomorrow - I am still officially on vacation:P)...and time to make those New Year's resolutions - a concept that seems to pervade, not only many people's thoughts, but popular media as well.

I am not a huge fan of the New Year's resolution...I find it funny that people will let themselves and their inhibitions go on the eve, only to resolve to be better on the day:) Not much sense in that, methinks...also, maybe because I am my own worst critic, I try to adjust myself accordingly, once I am aware of a weakness...hopefully this is a dynamic enough process whereby I actually become better...but who knows?...maybe I'm heading the opposite way as I get older:P...more stubborn, strong-minded...and worst of all, more and more stupid. Most people evolve; some days, I seem to "de-volve"...I know...not a word, but you get the point. But once again, there is some good out of all this...it makes me somewhat unique...haha:P

So, for amusement's sake, I will write down my areas to improve in...maybe if I am still posting my silly thoughts on the web in 1 years time, I will be able to see how far I have come and where I still need to go... So here goes nothing:)

1. learn to be less stubborn and more flexible: this can be a strength, but like most things, too much can turn into a weakness. As my friends (and I) grow older, it seems people become more and more entrenched in their ideas and ways. But I want to be different...I think resolve and flexibility can work hand-in-hand...consider a child...where the world holds no limits...creativity and imagination have no bounds either:)

2. focus on what I want to do when I grow up: often, my attention span is limited...I tend to want to do many things, and finish few. I tend to be able to do many things...but none of them well...the proverbial jack of all trades, but master of none. So, time to work on my website...get Oracle certified...focus on going to law school...finish writing my lab notebook:)...this is a start...

3. use my energy more efficiently: I, like everyone else, only have a certain reserve...in the past, especially with my family, I tried to do everything...in turn, I think I came across as overbearing, "preachy,"...controlling...many adjectives that could be used. Maybe, my biggest flaw in all this was not my intentions (which, in my humble opinion, I think were good), but in my execution. I think I must learn that others have equally valid points, regardless of whether those ideas agree or not with my own intentions and thoughts. And at the end of the day, good intentions can be construed as interference in certain situations...so note to self...learn to be more "gentle.":P

So I resolve to spend my energy more efficiently...place it in areas where the most benefit can be derived...that is not to say that in certain areas, I will stop investing time, just less of it and only where it is needed. Others can live their lives however they may...I will simply be there when needed. See how that goes...can't please everyone all the time...not efficient:)

4. spend less time playing nhl2006 on my computer! (self-explanatory:P...related to items 2, 3 and 5...haha)

5. be a better friend: It's funny sometimes to me...I am one of those people who, in the past, had a hard time finding a balance...and at one time or the other, neglected the really important people around me...and they stood by, when they should have run at first opportunity:P But I appreciate that...don't have that many friends...but those I do have...it is my honour:)