Have mulled over whether I should write this or not for awhile. People have told me that I tend to keep everyone at arm's length...that I rarely, if ever, let someone into my little world...that my guard is kept up behind my sarcastic, garbage-spouting mouth:P Not sure...but here goes nothing...a glimpse into my world...
It's funny to me sometimes...there have been times in my life where I felt little to no hope of things getting better...that things couldn't get worse (and they did). Don't get me wrong...I am not trivializing those who have had a harder time. I look at my father...my sister...and myself...we travelled the same road, but seemingly our destinations differ. My sister grows more cynical (though she is less bitter now)...she seems happier now...am glad, really am happy for her. My dad?...him, I cannot figure out.
When my mom was sick, she fought...maybe I am like her...life is too precious...no matter what happens, it is our one shot...(will not get into a debate with those more religiously inclined about the life after this one)...but what we know...what we really know...is that this is all we have...at least that's how I feel. My dad, on his good days, is easy enough to get along with (though those moments are often fleeting...and often reserved only for my sister)...on most other days, he, unlike most parents I know, seems more concerned with his misery (though life is far easier than it once was...but for him, this is nothing compared to the life he knew in his youth)...so as such, he waits for death. It's impossible for me to tell him to appreciate life...I can't make him be thankful for what he has...so though I do not want to give up...I may have no alternative. It's his life...but to me, it is not living...it is dying slowly one minute at a time, ignoring all that is dear...embracing the inevitable, but forsaking the journey...maybe at the end of the day, it is all just about our attitude...
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows."
-Helen Keller
It's funny to me sometimes...there have been times in my life where I felt little to no hope of things getting better...that things couldn't get worse (and they did). Don't get me wrong...I am not trivializing those who have had a harder time. I look at my father...my sister...and myself...we travelled the same road, but seemingly our destinations differ. My sister grows more cynical (though she is less bitter now)...she seems happier now...am glad, really am happy for her. My dad?...him, I cannot figure out.
When my mom was sick, she fought...maybe I am like her...life is too precious...no matter what happens, it is our one shot...(will not get into a debate with those more religiously inclined about the life after this one)...but what we know...what we really know...is that this is all we have...at least that's how I feel. My dad, on his good days, is easy enough to get along with (though those moments are often fleeting...and often reserved only for my sister)...on most other days, he, unlike most parents I know, seems more concerned with his misery (though life is far easier than it once was...but for him, this is nothing compared to the life he knew in his youth)...so as such, he waits for death. It's impossible for me to tell him to appreciate life...I can't make him be thankful for what he has...so though I do not want to give up...I may have no alternative. It's his life...but to me, it is not living...it is dying slowly one minute at a time, ignoring all that is dear...embracing the inevitable, but forsaking the journey...maybe at the end of the day, it is all just about our attitude...
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows."
-Helen Keller
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