the fear of dying...

Someone asked me recently if I feared death...truth be told, a little...who isn't? Also, truth be told...I don't think about my own mortality that much...maybe only on the occasion when I anxiously await medical test results...(or when my psychiatrist makes their recommendation as to whether I should go back to the funny farm or not :P)...plus in a few other situations.

I remember one moment...quite a few years ago...I had a chest X-ray taken to determine if I had pneumonia...was really sick that time...well, didn't have it...but there was another possible problem. It looked like I had a congenital heart defect...more accurately (if my memory serves me)...a dilatation of the descending aorta...in laymen's terms...the walls of one of the largest blood vessels (one which is subject to high blood pressure) in my body had stretched dangerously thin...if it ruptured, I would probably die almost instantly with virtually no hope of being saved. Luckily my graduate supervisor and her husband were able to get me a time slot at the university hospital almost immediately...within a day (instead of several months)...but those 24 hours seemed like an eternity. I remember sitting on a hospital bed in emergency, hooked up to monitors...and waiting...and waiting. After getting a CT scan and being cleared...it was a strange feeling...almost like being close to death's door and knowing that I could die at any moment...and then being snatched back...strange feeling. I can only hazard a guess as to how some may feel at having to wait for months for a diagnosis...maybe a topic for another time...

But I digress...so do I really fear death? I think I fear something worse...a life wasted. Everyone will die one day...some people will die well before their time...some get to live a long life. I can't control (in many ways) how long I will live...but I can control how I live. That is far more important. Some believe the soul or spirit lives on long after death...I believe that one's "spirit" can live on in those whose lives one has touched...in one's children, friends, loved ones...maybe even a stranger one has helped... That is what I hope for...to do something with the dash between the two dates that will grace my gravestone...b/c it is a tiny character of grammar between two discete, momentous events...but its small stature belies the grand canvas of an individual's life (I must pay homage to a piece of writing I read long ago...I think it was called "how I live my dash"...credit must be given where it is due, methinks:P).

Some people measure themselves by how much money they make...how big their house is...how expensive their car is...how much power they wield at work or how many people they "enslave"...honestly, I really don't care all that much about these things...up until this moment, I learned to live with very little...and learned to be happy with it. After all, there's no point in complaining b/c 1) no one cares and 2) it doesn't get you anywhere...so may as well shut up, get back up if one is down, and keep fighting ;-) To be honest, this is not meant to be a self-glorification piece...I didn't choose my life situation, but the fact that I made it through difficult (to some) circumstances may be one of my few redeeming qualities (if that), among a vast sea of flaws:)

Again, off on a tangent once again...what I would like to do with my life is not necessarily to obtain all the creature comforts and achievements that mark a successful individual in our society today (though that would be nice:P)...that is not how I want to live. No point in waxing lyrical on some garbage about trying to be a good person who wants to selflessly and tirelessly help others...yada, yada, yada...b/c if I am lucky, I will have 50+ years to do all that stuff (without yakking about it too much)...and then it will make my dash worthy of a well-lived life (but only in my opinion)...until then, no point in putting up useless words:P... Haha, wasted another half hour...sigh, back to studying...or should I take a nap?!?...hmmm ;-) Thinking such deep intellectual thoughts (cough, cough) taxes the puny brain in my big head!

the courage to be yourself...

Yesterday (since it is past midnight), I learned something...went on a cruise organized by a friend's church. In observing this group of people, one person stood out more so than any of the others...this person, maybe a few years back, I would have labelled as silly and immature in some of their actions...and quickly dismissed them as childish...I look at in a different way now. Maybe it is a sign of me growing up...(or not)...but to look at it from a different perspective...maybe this individual has more courage than I...than many of us...b/c they are brave enough to act more true to their real self...

I think it is human nature to modulate the way we are, depending on the situation...and it is appropriate to do so, in many circumstances...however, even among those we are closest to...our friends, our family...are we truly relaxed?...are we as open as we would like to think?...not sure...not even sure if I can accurately write what I am thinking. Myself, I know I do change the way I act, the way I express myself...depending on the company...and as much as I hate to admit it...sometimes, I succumb to the herd mentality. To be honest, not sure if what I write is even coherent or logical. But truth be told, I do respect this person more...b/c even though I think this person has yet to fully mature (I too am in the same boat)...and is more simple (which in this sense is a good thing)...they have the courage to be different...a quality I have yet to fully realize...just a thought;-)

who am I?

It's interesting sometimes to hear what others have to say about me. One of my coworkers said that I can be a difficult person...some days she acts like my mother...always "gently" reminding me to schedule my time better, study more, focus on my goals, how to be a better person (implicitly, on many different levels), etc...guess I shouldn't be writing in my blog at this moment, eh?:) Sigh...another exam ahead, less than two weeks to go and my studying bringing the flushing sound of a toilet to my mind:P She said that I am the type of person who has more potential than the average person, but uses it less; am strong-minded...like to make decisions...but needs someone to take care of me (I disagree with this last point b/c I have had to take care of myself for a long time...enough said, won't go into my whole sob story...too boring;-).

So who am I? Am I someone who will always lament the past opportunities?...who will always be known as one who never realized his potential?...who will always talk and think more than do? Do I help others not for pure reasons, but to gain something? Some of these are tough questions...I think it is human nature to look at the positives and cover the negatives...no one wants to admit their faults...no one is perfect...that I know...I use that as an excuse far too often. I think sometimes I spend too much time looking beyond myself, at others...and am often far too critical of them. Don't get me wrong...I bring credence to the old adage about being one's own worst critic. Maybe the key is not look at others and pointing out their shortcomings...but to look within, recognize my own flaws (which I think I do) and consider how to improve upon those (which I don't do enough of). Time to stop talking...and to be truly honest to myself...time to start doing:P

it was a dark and stormy weekend :P

Hehe...nothing like a little originality to start off another glimpse into my strange little world:) Been back for a week, been very busy...so haven't had a chance to write.

Spent the last weekend in October in Ucluelet...a tiny town about 50 km south of Tofino, on the west coast of Vancouver Island. It is about 200 km away from Nanaimo...a memorable drive, methinks. The scenery is beautiful...the life is simple...and the curvy roads are, excuse the adolescent boy in me emerging for a brief moment, worthy of my considering getting my car lowered...for those who have an inclination for physics...to lower my car's centre of gravity...wow, it was a fun drive...good thing my gf doesn't get motion sickness... :P

I went for a few reasons...it was my gf's b-day...and I didn't want to do something "run of the mill"...it was a chance to have a brief reprieve from the rat race...and I really, really wanted to see storm season on the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my life. It's funny...only a scant few hours from home...but uncharted territory for myself. I am the type of person who talks a great deal (mostly garbage, as some may have the good fortune to know;-)...and does very little...at least in my opinion anyway. So, had a whim...and decided to go...forgot about practicality and all that good stuff for a moment...and off we went:P And to get ahead of myself a bit, it was worth it...on many different levels.

We rented a cabin at the end of a little bay...just a short distance from waters of the Pacific...at night...it was so dark that the presence of the ocean was more felt and heard, than seen...the wind made me feel alive...the air cleansed my lungs...I think words are sometimes inadequate to describe some moments...this was one of those. No matter how many pictures I take...no matter how much I write...it has to be experienced. And to share the moment with someone...the memories will forever warm my mind.

I think, often, with the bustle of daily life...one can easily forget the important things...because one has to worry about making a living...studying...paying bills...running errands...yada yada yada...won't bore with the mundane details of my existence. But for those four days in October, life slowed down for me...and it was beautiful. There were no timelines...no emails...no plans whatsoever...that drove my gf nuts...because I like to fly by the seat of my pants...she likes to plan...to maximize the "fun" I suspect...I just wanted to do things at my own relaxed pace...I am happy to say she eventually came around to my way of thinking ;-) We managed to have every type of weather...pounding rain at night drowning out the waves breaking on the shore...brilliant sunshine amidst fine misting rain...gusty winds...pounding rain during the day...amazing to behold...ok, ok...I know I am just a silly boy waxing lyrical about inclement weather...but I prefer being a kid most days:P

We managed to see most of the coast from Ucluelet to Tofino and some of the Pacific Rim National Park...the huge trees in Cathedral Grove are awe-inspiring...800 years old...I'll be happy if I am still standing at 80:) Long Beach was cool...very few people were there...which was good because my antisocial nature extends to beaches too.

On a more personal level...before we headed off...I wondered how my gf and I would fare...after all...we hang out together a fair amount...but I wondered how it would be to spend several days with her...or maybe I should put it in a more appropriate context...how would she handle that many days with ME?!? Good ol' boring, loud-mouthed, obnoxious, immature me! Seriously though...I wondered if at the end...would we be stronger or weaker? Maybe I think too much.

Well, what were the results? 500+ km of road later...two 1.5 hr ferry rides...96 hrs of wonderful moi! We're still together...guess that means it turned out alright, eh? :) I think of myself as being simple...but most that know me...they think I am not. It was good...there were moments...but I think the two of us got a better sense of whether we are compatible or not...whether we complement each other...the latter is incredibly important...at least to me. I think it's not as important whether two people have similar interests or not...whether they are cut from the same moral or religious cloth...or whether they think the same about certain things. I am not trying to trivialize these things...they are important...but to me, they are only secondary. They are more short term considerations...but longer term...how do two people complement each other? That is the most important in my humble opinion. Do they make each other better? Does the strength of one make up for the weakness of the other, in any one thing? Do they fit together? Silly analogy, but relationships seem to me to be akin to a puzzle. Find the right pieces...and things fall into place...it looks easy...but sometimes very difficult. For a while there, I thought that my gf and I lived in different worlds...we grew up in different worlds...but it is not necessarily a bad thing. And though we are still in the process of opening our strange worlds (especially my complicated one) to each other...I feel we are making each of our worlds better...and know something...that fits:)

Now the bad...500+ km of my gf singing...sigh...sigh...sigh. Not much more to say than that...actually, her voice is not bad...and considering the alternative was with me singing...well, let's just say that it was probably a good thing I decided not to open my pipes:P...a welcome relief for all parties involved...enough said:)

Back to the rat race... :(