karaoke and human psych...

Weird juxtaposition of words, eh? Went to karaoke for the first time (and hopefully last time:P) in my life yesterday...good thing I had my pocket pc to rescue me:) Actually, not that bad...there were five of us in a room...pretty expensive, especially for a non-singer...well, I do sing...but thankfully for the rest of civilization, not in public...so in my humble opinion, it is more economical to sing in the shower...it's free, there are no witnesses (as the running water drowns out any evidence of this occurrence)...and best yet, one is clean afterwards...nothing like killing achieving multiple ends...now that is what I call efficiency!...but I digress. The silly thing about it was we were charged for hot water!...gotta love that! Went to Railway Club after dinner...that is a cool place! Live music...a dude named Chin was playing...the main act didn't show up (turned out for the better though)...good ol' rock...with some gospel/rap mixed in...really cool, can't say enough about that:)

Now, human psychology:P...have always considered myself somewhat of a hack in this domain...but it is immensely interesting to observe other people. There are a number of reasons for this: 1) by seeing how people react in different situations gives me an idea about what kind of people they are - I believe that our actions define who we are; and 2) by learning about others and what they do, we can learn about ways to make ourselves better and/or learn from their mistakes. You see...I have learned many lessons the hard way in my life...and hopefully, at least in the last few years, I have grown up a bit...I hope I can learn differently. By being a student of history, both of my own and of others, I hope I can be smarter...if that is possible:P...as some say I have no hope in that category either:(

Anyhow...of the five of us there, 3 girls and 2 guys...I knew everyone except for a couple...the guy was a poster boy for, what I call, "little big man syndrome"...for those who aren't familiar with this...typically it occurs in individuals of smaller physical stature (although he wasn't that short)...it seems that they compensate, sometimes overly so, by speaking and laughing louder than others...trying to exert their alpha male status...having to dominate all forms of conversation, irrespective of whether they are knowledgeable in this area or not...and generally speaking, have to demonstrate their "big man" status... How was that for a psych profile...ok, ok, I may be a bit stereotypical here...:P

Truthfully, I got more than enough of this last night...this example I thought was very interesting...the guy's gf really wanted to go to a club after dinner (this was at 8:30 pm or so)...I dislike clubs (they seem to be like meat markets to me, but that discussion is for another day, methinks) but was ok with the idea...after all, in certain venues, alcohol is my best friend:P The other girls liked the idea too...but he, citing the fact that the stock markets opened early so he had to be up at 5 am the next morning...nixed the idea...his gf (along with the others) were clearly disappointed...despite my "gentle" suggestion that we go for a short time close to his place, he was adamant about this - I gave up (some battles aren't worth fighting...a sign of maturity OR a sign of my being intimidated...who knows?:P)...so we went to the Railway Club for some drinks instead...at 11:30 pm, when we left...this individual and his gf were still there...like I said, interesting...

Ok, enough of sharing the garbage in my brain for the day...

friends and lovers...

Am having a bad case of writing diarrhea today...get it?...haha:P

Had lunch with a couple of colleagues the other day...one of them has been married for a dozen years...actually, he married young...at 23. So, my other colleague asked him what his secret was...the answer...it is simple...be very good friends. He said that to him, it is ok to date different people...but the one who you marry...make sure the two of you are friends...because that friendship will last longer than the passion of love, which will undoubtedly subside. This got me thinking...

Read this a little while ago...take it however you may (am skeptical about singular pieces of research, so will take this into consideration, along with a grain of salt:P):
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4478040.stm

The passion of love...the "freshness" of someone new...it is undoubtedly exciting...I think few would argue here. To be honest, I don't have that much dating experience...actually, lack confidence in this area...a girl could kick me in the butt and there would be a significant probability that I would misconstrue her meaning, but I digress:)...so, once again, this is mostly my musings about this "black box." Before I started dating, I had no idea about what love was...now that I am older...and more (or less) mature...I can appreciate its definition a little more...you see, I believe there are different kinds of love...in chinese, there are (at least) two ways to describe this concept..."oy ching" and "gum ching."

Some equate love with breathlessness...with the yearning to be near someone...being impatient to see them once again...yada, yada, yada... I look at it differently...I hope for something that will lend me strength when I feel weak...idealistic, I know. I hope that, if one day, there is a girl silly enough to marry me...that she will not only be a companion for the road of life, but will also be my best friend...one to share all the weirdness of my little world with...who will exhibit patience when I am unreasonable (often)...bring me up when I am down (not often:P)...and will forever challenge me...and I will do the same for her...but enough silly thoughts for one day...haha;-)

sandwich drive - Dec 24, 2005...

This year, a group of us decided to do something for the people in the Downtown eastside...we would pool our money together and see how many lunches we could make...and then go and hand them out on Christmas eve.

$400+ collected
320 boxes of orange juice
192 packs of Dad's oatmeal cookies
27 loaves of brown bread
13 cases of mandarin oranges
10+ packs of chocolate and candy canes
5 jars of Smucker's
4 containers of Nutella
3 boxes of gloves "borrowed" from work
1 Friday night spent at Costco, Superstore, Home Depot and Canadian Tire

time needed to make sandwiches: 2.5 hours
number of volunteers who woke up early Saturday morning: 10
food fights started: 0
time it took to hand out the lunches: 20 - 30 mins

no. of people who didn't have to worry about 1 meal for 1 day: 200+

When it was all said and done, it was a blast! I know that this is only one meal...and that there are many more who will go without that...however, in a small way, I think we made a difference. Is it enough? Certainly not! But it was a start...it may only be a drop in the ocean, but if there are enough of them, it may one day amount to something...and it was a great way to spend half a day with an incredible group of people!

i hate "after"-christmas too...

Spent the past two days shopping with friends...Boxing Day at Brentwood and Metrotown...at the latter, literally a sea of humanity bent on spending their hard-earned money (and even money they have yet to earn) on all the "specials" that are available in every store. Granted, some things are cheap, but most are the leftovers, discontinued stock, etc. that stores are trying to get rid of...and I can't help but think that with some people, they may not even need what they buy...but can't resist b/c it is such a "deal." Sigh...such is the consumer culture we live in today, I guess. Didn't buy much...got lunch, which was good...and shoes...no electronic toys, nothing...though, to be honest...just bought my Pocket PC:P...haha...maybe I am just as guilty:)

The sad thing for me is that it is clear that this phenomenon known in one iteration as the "post-Christmas blues"...it does exist...people spend exorbitant amounts of money before Christmas (for others?)...and then just as much (or more) after Christmas (for themselves?)...maybe just the way I was brought up...or maybe a product of my experiences...but hard for me to fathom spending a great deal of money that I don't have...

...anyway, just a rant:)...plus I detest malls (especially ones with lots of people)...and don't like shopping...and I am anti-social...bad character traits, eh?...haha:P

i hate christmas...

Haha...actually, I don't...I like the idea of Christmas...of being with family and friends...even though I am anti-social:P I like the idea of putting up a Christmas tree...something I never did as a kid...I like the idea of snow falling on Christmas day...of throwing snowballs...of the cold air of the season filling my lungs and making me feel alive...the warmth of the lights adorning the houses in the neighbourhood...some may feel that this isn't what the idea of Christmas truly is...and that is fair...it is simply my idea.

Some people detest this season...perhaps because of bad experiences, or lack of good ones, in times past...I can say that I know a little of that. However, for me, maybe these experiences mean more to me as motivation...not to lament all that never was...but to rejoice in all that could be...sometimes better to look ahead and smile, then to look back and frown...

But to be honest...I really don't like malls...and the commercialization of Christmas...it's all about buy, buy, buy... I like my "toys"...I don't want to wait for Christmas to buy them...so it irritates me when others do:P Mall parking lots are especially bad places for me...I tend to unleash a level of vocabulary that is usually not spoken in more civilized circles...perhaps that is why I am not a member of these aforementioned groups:) By the time I am fortunate enough to find a parking stall (often so far away from my destination that I need to draw a map to find my car afterwards, lest I be forced to take transit home and find myself squished into a Skytrain with a car-load of other irate people revelling in the Christmas spirit...but I digress:P)...I find myself in a sea of humanity, seemingly quite content with charging so much on their credit cards, they will spend the next 5 months to pay it off. But of course, like with anything else, there is always a silver lining...sometimes one just has to look hard enough...these people will have about 7 months or so to earn enough money to offset some of their next Christmas's purchases:P Ah, nothing like the "circle of life"...(used entirely inappropriately here...but why not, methinks:P)

Ok, enough garbage for the moment...have to go eat dinner now...till next time, enjoy the wonder of the season... ;-)

seeing the beautiful in the simple...

Am in a weird mood tonight...it's past midnight...and my mind is crystal clear...it seems to possess a clarity that eludes me most days:)

These days, it seems, as we all get older...we are becoming more and more jaded...weary from all that weighs us down. As our experiences grow, our idealism fades...as our careers progress, seemingly our ability to dream declines. Is it simply me?...or do others see the same? It seems the more I learn about this world...the more the realistic side of me yearns to break free...because that is how I see this world we live in...as a place filled with too many realists, and too few dreamers. I prefer to dream...

Sometimes I feel that the more we accept what life has to offer and settle, so to speak, for the cards we are dealt...it seems we lose, bit by bit, without our noticing, our ability to appreciate the beauty of possibilities...to be able to see something that isn't...and be able to ask "why not?" You see, a child...without knowing even a fraction of what I do...can peer out at the world...and see it for what it is...a mysterious place...where what we know is only an infinitesimal percentage of what we could know...where the power of nature is not simply reduced to sound bites on the daily news hour...where the brilliance of the sunset is not reduced to the physics of light refraction or more importantly, obscured by the urge to beat rush-hour traffic. For that child...he retains the ability to ask why?...and why not?...and still marvel at the beauty of it all...and to imagine a vast world of possibilities...and not one restrained by limitations. So, perhaps in a way, we are all dying a little bit each day...

For me...as silly as some may think I am...I prefer to dream...and that, in my humble opinion, is a beautiful thing... :) I hope I never lose that...

frustrated...

Sigh...will refrain from completely losing my temper...late at night, not worth it. Some days I wonder if I am simply too nice...or too responsible...or just simply too stupid. My dad has not worked a day in 13 years...yet he complains about how selfish I am. Through all the hard times of trying to balance school and work...always knowing that without the latter, there wasn't going to be the former...that there wasn't going to be food on the table...or money to pay the rent...after all those days, I look back and think how they shaped me into the man I am now. So in that way, I am not bitter about the path I took...all my friends had an easier time...because to be honest, I am happy - what counts the most is that I made it to here and now...and I did all I could for my family. And some days, it would be nice if my family could appreciate that...just a little...for the sacrifices that I did make. No, I am not perfect...I can be selfish...but I am not entirely so when it comes to family - maybe I am traditional in this regard...who knows? And though it makes me sad...I think it is time to take the other road...as Frost said...the one less travelled...

stupid people...

Ok, this will be a rant...nothing more, nothing less...just some things to get off my chest. And yes, I am fully capable of complaining.

Why is it that managers are often so stupid? Is it because they are stupid, that they are managers?...because they are incapable of doing or thinking anything half-intelligent - seemingly the means by which to get promoted at my company...the greater the incompetence, the larger the paycheck! Shiite!!! Admittedly, I am not the brightest crayon in the box...far from it...however, there are some things that are common sense to me...yet however, even the simplest, of the simple, ideas seem to elude my supervisors. For example, why is one person, who has no experience or ideas of his own, made the leader of a group...where the most ignorant happens to know more than he does? And his idea of supervising the group is to micro-manage the minutest detail of each member...clearly the most suitable method to bringing out the best and the most creative ideas from any one individual!

To be honest, I suppose I shouldn't complain so much...no point in getting myself worked up over this. After all, if I cannot change it, I should just let it go. Some days, easier said than done...some things I take pride in...and am a perfectionist, albeit a procrastinating one at that:P So end up getting frustrated... Sigh...such is life I guess...as Tom Petty said "some days are diamonds, some days are rocks"... :(

snowshoeing and the little things in life...

Only a short blurb this time:P Went snowshoeing at Mount Seymour today, was really cool...though it almost didn't happen. I should have known better than to try to drive my car up with no snow tires or chains:) But I did expect the roads to be better...in the end, managed to get up there though...that's all that counts, right?

The trails were really nice, very few people...the air was clean and cold (made me feel alive)...the snow was falling...the silence only broken by our steps...and my gf's incessant chattering...or was that me? Hmmm...

The coolest thing for me though, was to fall backwards onto a snow drift...look up at the sky...and watch the snowflakes come down...then closing my eyes and feeling them melt on my face...one of the small things in life that make it worth living, methinks... ;-)

at last, I am free...

Only figuratively of course...am still trapped full-time in the rat race:)

Finally done with the LSAT...with the final pages closing on the exam, so too do my hopes of law school...actually not that gung ho about law...only see it as a means to an end...yes, I too can be practical...surprising to some, methinks. Maybe one day, if I do go down this road, it will turn into a passion, but now...hell no!!!

The LSAT study process was an interesting one...not for the fact that I was extraordinarily motivated...but for the fact that I managed to set up my hardware firewall, try out numerous bitTorrent clients (Azureus is my current favourite - though I still dislike BT considerably, but I can't argue with the selection...and just a note, I don't download anything illegal) and test drive the PalmOne Life Drive PDA (which is quite poor, considering it is the flagship of the PalmOne lineup - but for some, the 4 GB hard drive is what the doctor ordered). How's that for a long, convoluted sentence:P My writing skills have always been second to none...I must qualify this statement as only being true under a unique circumstance - that I am the last person alive on this planet;-) Once again, I am off on one of my weird tangents...haha, but that is what makes life interesting, methinks...non?!? Or shall I say, my weird ponderings are what make my mundane existence less drab:)

All of this was done in the course of the 3 days I took off from work to "study." But for those who have the goods on me...the term "study" often has a unique meaning for me...it is quite amazing how interesting a pad of PostIt notes are when I have made up my mind to staple my butt to my chair...literally, amazing! And my study guides...well, they are still in pristine condition (well almost, I did go over part of one of the included practice exams - but I didn't finish, as I got bored)...haha. Well, once I get the official recommendation to pursue a different career choice in 3 - 4 weeks time, I will once again have to decide what I want to do when I grow up...because it is quite obvious that I have a ways to go...sad, eh?

It's funny actually...even though I studied precious little, quite a few remarked how relaxed I was...I suppose the old adage that ignorance is bliss applies in my case...again, I digress. Even the day of the exam, there were a few butterflies at the beginning, especially when only 1 out of 10 invigilators checks people in (the other 9 are shooting the breeze; the process took almost 1.5 hours for approx. 100 people)...perhaps this is part of the selection process too...to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak...oh well, I think I failed that part too...good thing I had an extra pair of Depends with me...or it would have been a long day for those who were fortunate enough to be in my presence:P

Hmmm...what shall I do now? Back to work tomorrow...back to dreaming about working the fryer at my neighbourhood MickyD's...mmm, Chicken McNuggets...sigh...after all these years...I have still yet to realize my ultimate dream! :(

Enough garbage for the time being... :P

being a responsible son...

Some days, am tired...am torn between doing what I think is right for my family and what is right for myself. Perhaps this is the "Chinese" part of me...I try and do the right thing for my dad and my sis, even though, seemingly it is never enough. Won't go into all the sob story details...don't really want to make this into a sad case of whining...but these days, I am not sure where my responsibilities as a son end and where my responsibilities to myself begin. If it were someone else, the matter would be simple...but for me, am not sure if my consideration of the latter point is too selfish...

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said very aptly "[t]he time is always right to do what is right." I am simply faced with the task of deciding what that is...

Just a rant... :(

the fear of dying...

Someone asked me recently if I feared death...truth be told, a little...who isn't? Also, truth be told...I don't think about my own mortality that much...maybe only on the occasion when I anxiously await medical test results...(or when my psychiatrist makes their recommendation as to whether I should go back to the funny farm or not :P)...plus in a few other situations.

I remember one moment...quite a few years ago...I had a chest X-ray taken to determine if I had pneumonia...was really sick that time...well, didn't have it...but there was another possible problem. It looked like I had a congenital heart defect...more accurately (if my memory serves me)...a dilatation of the descending aorta...in laymen's terms...the walls of one of the largest blood vessels (one which is subject to high blood pressure) in my body had stretched dangerously thin...if it ruptured, I would probably die almost instantly with virtually no hope of being saved. Luckily my graduate supervisor and her husband were able to get me a time slot at the university hospital almost immediately...within a day (instead of several months)...but those 24 hours seemed like an eternity. I remember sitting on a hospital bed in emergency, hooked up to monitors...and waiting...and waiting. After getting a CT scan and being cleared...it was a strange feeling...almost like being close to death's door and knowing that I could die at any moment...and then being snatched back...strange feeling. I can only hazard a guess as to how some may feel at having to wait for months for a diagnosis...maybe a topic for another time...

But I digress...so do I really fear death? I think I fear something worse...a life wasted. Everyone will die one day...some people will die well before their time...some get to live a long life. I can't control (in many ways) how long I will live...but I can control how I live. That is far more important. Some believe the soul or spirit lives on long after death...I believe that one's "spirit" can live on in those whose lives one has touched...in one's children, friends, loved ones...maybe even a stranger one has helped... That is what I hope for...to do something with the dash between the two dates that will grace my gravestone...b/c it is a tiny character of grammar between two discete, momentous events...but its small stature belies the grand canvas of an individual's life (I must pay homage to a piece of writing I read long ago...I think it was called "how I live my dash"...credit must be given where it is due, methinks:P).

Some people measure themselves by how much money they make...how big their house is...how expensive their car is...how much power they wield at work or how many people they "enslave"...honestly, I really don't care all that much about these things...up until this moment, I learned to live with very little...and learned to be happy with it. After all, there's no point in complaining b/c 1) no one cares and 2) it doesn't get you anywhere...so may as well shut up, get back up if one is down, and keep fighting ;-) To be honest, this is not meant to be a self-glorification piece...I didn't choose my life situation, but the fact that I made it through difficult (to some) circumstances may be one of my few redeeming qualities (if that), among a vast sea of flaws:)

Again, off on a tangent once again...what I would like to do with my life is not necessarily to obtain all the creature comforts and achievements that mark a successful individual in our society today (though that would be nice:P)...that is not how I want to live. No point in waxing lyrical on some garbage about trying to be a good person who wants to selflessly and tirelessly help others...yada, yada, yada...b/c if I am lucky, I will have 50+ years to do all that stuff (without yakking about it too much)...and then it will make my dash worthy of a well-lived life (but only in my opinion)...until then, no point in putting up useless words:P... Haha, wasted another half hour...sigh, back to studying...or should I take a nap?!?...hmmm ;-) Thinking such deep intellectual thoughts (cough, cough) taxes the puny brain in my big head!

the courage to be yourself...

Yesterday (since it is past midnight), I learned something...went on a cruise organized by a friend's church. In observing this group of people, one person stood out more so than any of the others...this person, maybe a few years back, I would have labelled as silly and immature in some of their actions...and quickly dismissed them as childish...I look at in a different way now. Maybe it is a sign of me growing up...(or not)...but to look at it from a different perspective...maybe this individual has more courage than I...than many of us...b/c they are brave enough to act more true to their real self...

I think it is human nature to modulate the way we are, depending on the situation...and it is appropriate to do so, in many circumstances...however, even among those we are closest to...our friends, our family...are we truly relaxed?...are we as open as we would like to think?...not sure...not even sure if I can accurately write what I am thinking. Myself, I know I do change the way I act, the way I express myself...depending on the company...and as much as I hate to admit it...sometimes, I succumb to the herd mentality. To be honest, not sure if what I write is even coherent or logical. But truth be told, I do respect this person more...b/c even though I think this person has yet to fully mature (I too am in the same boat)...and is more simple (which in this sense is a good thing)...they have the courage to be different...a quality I have yet to fully realize...just a thought;-)

who am I?

It's interesting sometimes to hear what others have to say about me. One of my coworkers said that I can be a difficult person...some days she acts like my mother...always "gently" reminding me to schedule my time better, study more, focus on my goals, how to be a better person (implicitly, on many different levels), etc...guess I shouldn't be writing in my blog at this moment, eh?:) Sigh...another exam ahead, less than two weeks to go and my studying bringing the flushing sound of a toilet to my mind:P She said that I am the type of person who has more potential than the average person, but uses it less; am strong-minded...like to make decisions...but needs someone to take care of me (I disagree with this last point b/c I have had to take care of myself for a long time...enough said, won't go into my whole sob story...too boring;-).

So who am I? Am I someone who will always lament the past opportunities?...who will always be known as one who never realized his potential?...who will always talk and think more than do? Do I help others not for pure reasons, but to gain something? Some of these are tough questions...I think it is human nature to look at the positives and cover the negatives...no one wants to admit their faults...no one is perfect...that I know...I use that as an excuse far too often. I think sometimes I spend too much time looking beyond myself, at others...and am often far too critical of them. Don't get me wrong...I bring credence to the old adage about being one's own worst critic. Maybe the key is not look at others and pointing out their shortcomings...but to look within, recognize my own flaws (which I think I do) and consider how to improve upon those (which I don't do enough of). Time to stop talking...and to be truly honest to myself...time to start doing:P

it was a dark and stormy weekend :P

Hehe...nothing like a little originality to start off another glimpse into my strange little world:) Been back for a week, been very busy...so haven't had a chance to write.

Spent the last weekend in October in Ucluelet...a tiny town about 50 km south of Tofino, on the west coast of Vancouver Island. It is about 200 km away from Nanaimo...a memorable drive, methinks. The scenery is beautiful...the life is simple...and the curvy roads are, excuse the adolescent boy in me emerging for a brief moment, worthy of my considering getting my car lowered...for those who have an inclination for physics...to lower my car's centre of gravity...wow, it was a fun drive...good thing my gf doesn't get motion sickness... :P

I went for a few reasons...it was my gf's b-day...and I didn't want to do something "run of the mill"...it was a chance to have a brief reprieve from the rat race...and I really, really wanted to see storm season on the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my life. It's funny...only a scant few hours from home...but uncharted territory for myself. I am the type of person who talks a great deal (mostly garbage, as some may have the good fortune to know;-)...and does very little...at least in my opinion anyway. So, had a whim...and decided to go...forgot about practicality and all that good stuff for a moment...and off we went:P And to get ahead of myself a bit, it was worth it...on many different levels.

We rented a cabin at the end of a little bay...just a short distance from waters of the Pacific...at night...it was so dark that the presence of the ocean was more felt and heard, than seen...the wind made me feel alive...the air cleansed my lungs...I think words are sometimes inadequate to describe some moments...this was one of those. No matter how many pictures I take...no matter how much I write...it has to be experienced. And to share the moment with someone...the memories will forever warm my mind.

I think, often, with the bustle of daily life...one can easily forget the important things...because one has to worry about making a living...studying...paying bills...running errands...yada yada yada...won't bore with the mundane details of my existence. But for those four days in October, life slowed down for me...and it was beautiful. There were no timelines...no emails...no plans whatsoever...that drove my gf nuts...because I like to fly by the seat of my pants...she likes to plan...to maximize the "fun" I suspect...I just wanted to do things at my own relaxed pace...I am happy to say she eventually came around to my way of thinking ;-) We managed to have every type of weather...pounding rain at night drowning out the waves breaking on the shore...brilliant sunshine amidst fine misting rain...gusty winds...pounding rain during the day...amazing to behold...ok, ok...I know I am just a silly boy waxing lyrical about inclement weather...but I prefer being a kid most days:P

We managed to see most of the coast from Ucluelet to Tofino and some of the Pacific Rim National Park...the huge trees in Cathedral Grove are awe-inspiring...800 years old...I'll be happy if I am still standing at 80:) Long Beach was cool...very few people were there...which was good because my antisocial nature extends to beaches too.

On a more personal level...before we headed off...I wondered how my gf and I would fare...after all...we hang out together a fair amount...but I wondered how it would be to spend several days with her...or maybe I should put it in a more appropriate context...how would she handle that many days with ME?!? Good ol' boring, loud-mouthed, obnoxious, immature me! Seriously though...I wondered if at the end...would we be stronger or weaker? Maybe I think too much.

Well, what were the results? 500+ km of road later...two 1.5 hr ferry rides...96 hrs of wonderful moi! We're still together...guess that means it turned out alright, eh? :) I think of myself as being simple...but most that know me...they think I am not. It was good...there were moments...but I think the two of us got a better sense of whether we are compatible or not...whether we complement each other...the latter is incredibly important...at least to me. I think it's not as important whether two people have similar interests or not...whether they are cut from the same moral or religious cloth...or whether they think the same about certain things. I am not trying to trivialize these things...they are important...but to me, they are only secondary. They are more short term considerations...but longer term...how do two people complement each other? That is the most important in my humble opinion. Do they make each other better? Does the strength of one make up for the weakness of the other, in any one thing? Do they fit together? Silly analogy, but relationships seem to me to be akin to a puzzle. Find the right pieces...and things fall into place...it looks easy...but sometimes very difficult. For a while there, I thought that my gf and I lived in different worlds...we grew up in different worlds...but it is not necessarily a bad thing. And though we are still in the process of opening our strange worlds (especially my complicated one) to each other...I feel we are making each of our worlds better...and know something...that fits:)

Now the bad...500+ km of my gf singing...sigh...sigh...sigh. Not much more to say than that...actually, her voice is not bad...and considering the alternative was with me singing...well, let's just say that it was probably a good thing I decided not to open my pipes:P...a welcome relief for all parties involved...enough said:)

Back to the rat race... :(

open letter to the good ol' US of A!

Just came back from a jaunt down to the outlets near Seattle. It was a rather uneventful day, punctuated by the incessant rain for almost the entire duration of the trip (and the wonderful sunshine that lit my way home) and my girlfriend's sweet singing:)...(it must have been the all-u-can-eat cheesecake!) It is now abundantly clear to me why her parents urged her to go to university instead of dreaming of a singing career, but I digress:P (I think my life expectancy may have been cut short a few years for writing that, but I did tell her the same thing:P...as some of you may know, I count my tact as one of my strengths!)

But a funny thought struck me as we were lining up to head south at the Peace Arch crossing (some trivialization (is that a word?) ahead)...ever notice all the security cameras?...the 20 meter gap between the stop line and the customs agent?...the incessant questioning?...yada, yada, yada. To be honest, the only reason I want to cross the border is simply because George Dubya is doing such a great job with your country. And the loonie is worth almost 85 cents US...imagine that?!?...I can barely wait until the day it is actually worth a 100 cents:P I can dream, can't I? Think of it this way, if your country were more like Canada...a little bit backwards sometimes...only have two operational naval ships (both on the west coast)...3 submarines...2 of which are in dry dock, under long term "preventative" maintenance...20 years past their scheduled retirement date and purchased for a pretty penny from the British Navy, who would have recycled them for scrap metal otherwise, but once again, I digress:P...mind you, this is not to insult Ottawa...just to highlight a point. If the US were not such a bully on the world stage, whether it be on the military front or UN stage or otherwise...I suspect your country wouldn't be in the cross-hairs of every fundamentalist group in the world.

To be honest, when I came back across the border, heading north...I was proud to be a Canadian...there was only a 2-3 meter gap...the customs agent waved me through after quickly discerning that I wasn't a crazy terrorist trying to sabotage my neighbourhood mailbox. For example, he didn't need to ask me if my third cousin, twice removed, had an elementary school friend who had ever thrown a paper airplane while the teacher's back was turned...the US customs agent felt this need (some exaggeration here, so don't ask me if I am serious:P)...I guess the good ol' US of A has to do what it can the ensure the security of its citizens...my condolences...I am glad my passport has a maple leaf on it...or was that a marijuana leaf?...;-)

what is love?

I will save you the suspense...I don't have the answer! I do have a few ideas though:) Liked some people before, but truly loved very few...up until a few years ago, not sure I even knew what being in love meant. Still may not.

Was reading a friend's post just now...and my girlfriend and I were discussing this tonight too...funny coincidence, eh? Something I read once...it's a perspective that sums up my thoughts better than I could ever do...

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion…. That is just being “in love,” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

-Louis de Bernieres

Love for me is about the small, seemingly insignificant, moments...because I believe that those will be the ones that I will never forget. It is not about all the exciting places we go, the things we do...those are simply the "filler"...to be able to be together and not feel the need to say something to fill the uncomfortable silence often felt between strangers...it is truly the little things that matter most, methinks. I could write many more "silly" things to try to impart my feelings...but I will spare you my idiocy:P

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

-Leo Buscaglia

My friend writes correctly...about wanting the best for that person, always thinking about them. I haven't been in that many serious relationships, so many of my ideas are "theoretical" in nature...or maybe idealistic...but I prefer it that way. I think it is better to try to attain one's dreams...and maybe fail in the process...then to give up without trying. So maybe, as with many other aspects of my life, I am not terribly realistic...in my ideas...expectations...but love is one of those things that I do not want to settle for something less than what I wish for. Someone once told me that I may end up being bitter and disappointed...but I think I will be more so for letting that ideal go...

Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

-William Blake

have joined the herd... ;-)

Well...finally caved in and bought the best thing since sliced bread...the Ipod Nano:) It really is a marvel...granted, I like my toys, but this is even better than the reviews. Those of you who don't own one...you must, absolutely must, go buy one...mortgage the house, sell your children (just kidding:P)...but well worth it!!! And just a note, I do NOT work for Apple:P

which road should I take?

Another peek into my psyche...:) A friend once told me that I seem to take the high road most of the time...my supervisor tells me that it's the better one to travel. But some days I am not sure...I am human...an old cliche, no doubt...and I know sometimes it is a silly excuse used to avoid taking full responsibility for one's own actions...but nonetheless, I think it is apt in this situation.

There are days I don't want to do the right thing..."the time is always right to do what is right" (Martin Luther King Jr.)...there are also times when I don't want to hope for the best in someone or a situation...but choose to live by the fact that "we must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope" (MLK Jr.). And some days, the high road is a lonely one, it is tiring...but travel it, I feel I must. And when I stray, I must find my way back...because it does make a difference...maybe not to those around me, but to me...

my biggest weakness...

Sigh...time to work on applications again...time to study again...time to figure out what I want to do when I grow up again. What if I never grow up? Does that mean I can always refrain from making the commitment necessary to doing something with my life? To be honest...I really don't want to grow up. Being a kid is so much easier...no pressures...nothing to worry about...only thing to think about is what's for dinner and where I am going to play tomorrow...sigh...if only life were that easy:( Instead, I wake up every morning with the burning desire to go to work...what a beautiful life!

Again, one of my tangents:) Those who have had a glimpse of my little world...they see something in me that I cannot seem to fathom...ability, potential. Every morning, I just see a dumb dude in the mirror...nothing more, nothing less. But they also see the same weakness that I am so conscious of...my lack of discipline. I like quotes...and once a good friend of mine told me this one...never forgot it even after all these years...(are you flattered?:P) "Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability." Or at least that is how I remember it...my apologies, if I haven't got it quite right:P

This year, I will be different...there I wrote it...if I don't stick to this, those of you who know me can smack me upside the head...(not too hard, please!) I think I have finally figured out where I truly want to be...it's taken me a little longer than I had hoped, but I think I am there. Or maybe to put it better, I have had a taste of where I know I don't want to be. And that is a huge motivator...

As some of you are probably rolling your eyes by now...I will stop my silly chatter...but there will be more to come...I promise:P

the age-old question about love...

What is love? Why do I love a particular person?

Simple questions, but the answers could be so long, such that they could do a better job of putting one to sleep than most over-the-counter sedatives:)

My girlfriend asked me the other day why I loved her...and for a moment, I was speechless. I know, I know...the first thing that comes to mind is probably..."another typical guy." And those who know me best...know that rarely, am I ever speechless...more often than not, I don't know when to shut my trap...another one of my "strengths," methinks. But I digress...why do I love her? We haven't known each other for an extraordinarily long time...we have been committed to this relationship for even a shorter period...and yet, I know I love her. To be honest...I have always considered myself the classical romantic (hopefully this doesn't come across as being too arrogant, as that is not my intention)...not the flowers, spontaneity, and candle-lit dinner type of romantic (as I fail miserably in that department)...but in the way I approach the concept of love.

I like many things...but I love very few. I can like a person easily, but to love them...well, that is a whole different ball of wax:) Some may say that I am a complicated individual, though I think differently...but who can ever be totally unbiased in their own self assessment?...well, for what it's worth...I'm certainly cognizant of my inability. Combined with my "logical" nature...trusting my heart can sometimes be a difficult thing. I once had a discussion with a good friend of mine on the topic of relationships...she maintained that sometimes, one just has to trust one's heart..."carpe diem" she said:) For myself, I always thought it was important for my mind and my heart to be aligned...such that there is no doubt...but that is purely idealistic, is it not? Maybe love is about having faith...maybe it is something where logic has no dominion...and maybe I have to realize that the person with me is taking the same risks that I am sometimes scared of taking. Not sure why I think so much sometimes...maybe that's why those who have the goods on me...they say I am too complicated...or in a word, "picky":)

Well, to rein myself in from another of my tangents, getting back to the main idea. So why do I love this girl. For myself, there were many things I considered before we even started...many more before I thought this way about her. Know what my first answer was? "Um, not sure...maybe just a feeling." Huge letdown, eh? Such a build-up and to end with nary a sputter! But it is a feeling though...and a really cool one. I was chatting with a friend later...and I explained it this way...she is truly special...I don't know everything about her...but if we are lucky, there is a long adventure ahead...there will always be time. I know she is not perfect. But neither am I. We both have our individual histories...our individual mistakes...our individual regrets...yet despite knowing some of these...I choose her...and she chooses me (this latter point I have yet to fully figure out...those who know me are probably thinking the same thing, but I digress).

And this feeling is both complicated and exceedingly simple at the same time...when she is with me...I feel like I am home. And the funny thing is...it is a home that I have never known in reality. To steal a line from my favourite movie "Good Will Hunting"...Robin Williams' character was talking about his wife...and "feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you." If that is not faith...I am not sure what is... ;-)