Someone asked me recently if I feared death...truth be told, a little...who isn't? Also, truth be told...I don't think about my own mortality that much...maybe only on the occasion when I anxiously await medical test results...(or when my psychiatrist makes their recommendation as to whether I should go back to the funny farm or not :P)...plus in a few other situations.
I remember one moment...quite a few years ago...I had a chest X-ray taken to determine if I had pneumonia...was really sick that time...well, didn't have it...but there was another possible problem. It looked like I had a congenital heart defect...more accurately (if my memory serves me)...a dilatation of the descending aorta...in laymen's terms...the walls of one of the largest blood vessels (one which is subject to high blood pressure) in my body had stretched dangerously thin...if it ruptured, I would probably die almost instantly with virtually no hope of being saved. Luckily my graduate supervisor and her husband were able to get me a time slot at the university hospital almost immediately...within a day (instead of several months)...but those 24 hours seemed like an eternity. I remember sitting on a hospital bed in emergency, hooked up to monitors...and waiting...and waiting. After getting a CT scan and being cleared...it was a strange feeling...almost like being close to death's door and knowing that I could die at any moment...and then being snatched back...strange feeling. I can only hazard a guess as to how some may feel at having to wait for months for a diagnosis...maybe a topic for another time...
But I digress...so do I really fear death? I think I fear something worse...a life wasted. Everyone will die one day...some people will die well before their time...some get to live a long life. I can't control (in many ways) how long I will live...but I can control how I live. That is far more important. Some believe the soul or spirit lives on long after death...I believe that one's "spirit" can live on in those whose lives one has touched...in one's children, friends, loved ones...maybe even a stranger one has helped... That is what I hope for...to do something with the dash between the two dates that will grace my gravestone...b/c it is a tiny character of grammar between two discete, momentous events...but its small stature belies the grand canvas of an individual's life (I must pay homage to a piece of writing I read long ago...I think it was called "how I live my dash"...credit must be given where it is due, methinks:P).
Some people measure themselves by how much money they make...how big their house is...how expensive their car is...how much power they wield at work or how many people they "enslave"...honestly, I really don't care all that much about these things...up until this moment, I learned to live with very little...and learned to be happy with it. After all, there's no point in complaining b/c 1) no one cares and 2) it doesn't get you anywhere...so may as well shut up, get back up if one is down, and keep fighting ;-) To be honest, this is not meant to be a self-glorification piece...I didn't choose my life situation, but the fact that I made it through difficult (to some) circumstances may be one of my few redeeming qualities (if that), among a vast sea of flaws:)
Again, off on a tangent once again...what I would like to do with my life is not necessarily to obtain all the creature comforts and achievements that mark a successful individual in our society today (though that would be nice:P)...that is not how I want to live. No point in waxing lyrical on some garbage about trying to be a good person who wants to selflessly and tirelessly help others...yada, yada, yada...b/c if I am lucky, I will have 50+ years to do all that stuff (without yakking about it too much)...and then it will make my dash worthy of a well-lived life (but only in my opinion)...until then, no point in putting up useless words:P... Haha, wasted another half hour...sigh, back to studying...or should I take a nap?!?...hmmm ;-) Thinking such deep intellectual thoughts (cough, cough) taxes the puny brain in my big head!
I remember one moment...quite a few years ago...I had a chest X-ray taken to determine if I had pneumonia...was really sick that time...well, didn't have it...but there was another possible problem. It looked like I had a congenital heart defect...more accurately (if my memory serves me)...a dilatation of the descending aorta...in laymen's terms...the walls of one of the largest blood vessels (one which is subject to high blood pressure) in my body had stretched dangerously thin...if it ruptured, I would probably die almost instantly with virtually no hope of being saved. Luckily my graduate supervisor and her husband were able to get me a time slot at the university hospital almost immediately...within a day (instead of several months)...but those 24 hours seemed like an eternity. I remember sitting on a hospital bed in emergency, hooked up to monitors...and waiting...and waiting. After getting a CT scan and being cleared...it was a strange feeling...almost like being close to death's door and knowing that I could die at any moment...and then being snatched back...strange feeling. I can only hazard a guess as to how some may feel at having to wait for months for a diagnosis...maybe a topic for another time...
But I digress...so do I really fear death? I think I fear something worse...a life wasted. Everyone will die one day...some people will die well before their time...some get to live a long life. I can't control (in many ways) how long I will live...but I can control how I live. That is far more important. Some believe the soul or spirit lives on long after death...I believe that one's "spirit" can live on in those whose lives one has touched...in one's children, friends, loved ones...maybe even a stranger one has helped... That is what I hope for...to do something with the dash between the two dates that will grace my gravestone...b/c it is a tiny character of grammar between two discete, momentous events...but its small stature belies the grand canvas of an individual's life (I must pay homage to a piece of writing I read long ago...I think it was called "how I live my dash"...credit must be given where it is due, methinks:P).
Some people measure themselves by how much money they make...how big their house is...how expensive their car is...how much power they wield at work or how many people they "enslave"...honestly, I really don't care all that much about these things...up until this moment, I learned to live with very little...and learned to be happy with it. After all, there's no point in complaining b/c 1) no one cares and 2) it doesn't get you anywhere...so may as well shut up, get back up if one is down, and keep fighting ;-) To be honest, this is not meant to be a self-glorification piece...I didn't choose my life situation, but the fact that I made it through difficult (to some) circumstances may be one of my few redeeming qualities (if that), among a vast sea of flaws:)
Again, off on a tangent once again...what I would like to do with my life is not necessarily to obtain all the creature comforts and achievements that mark a successful individual in our society today (though that would be nice:P)...that is not how I want to live. No point in waxing lyrical on some garbage about trying to be a good person who wants to selflessly and tirelessly help others...yada, yada, yada...b/c if I am lucky, I will have 50+ years to do all that stuff (without yakking about it too much)...and then it will make my dash worthy of a well-lived life (but only in my opinion)...until then, no point in putting up useless words:P... Haha, wasted another half hour...sigh, back to studying...or should I take a nap?!?...hmmm ;-) Thinking such deep intellectual thoughts (cough, cough) taxes the puny brain in my big head!
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