my biggest weakness...

Sigh...time to work on applications again...time to study again...time to figure out what I want to do when I grow up again. What if I never grow up? Does that mean I can always refrain from making the commitment necessary to doing something with my life? To be honest...I really don't want to grow up. Being a kid is so much easier...no pressures...nothing to worry about...only thing to think about is what's for dinner and where I am going to play tomorrow...sigh...if only life were that easy:( Instead, I wake up every morning with the burning desire to go to work...what a beautiful life!

Again, one of my tangents:) Those who have had a glimpse of my little world...they see something in me that I cannot seem to fathom...ability, potential. Every morning, I just see a dumb dude in the mirror...nothing more, nothing less. But they also see the same weakness that I am so conscious of...my lack of discipline. I like quotes...and once a good friend of mine told me this one...never forgot it even after all these years...(are you flattered?:P) "Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability." Or at least that is how I remember it...my apologies, if I haven't got it quite right:P

This year, I will be different...there I wrote it...if I don't stick to this, those of you who know me can smack me upside the head...(not too hard, please!) I think I have finally figured out where I truly want to be...it's taken me a little longer than I had hoped, but I think I am there. Or maybe to put it better, I have had a taste of where I know I don't want to be. And that is a huge motivator...

As some of you are probably rolling your eyes by now...I will stop my silly chatter...but there will be more to come...I promise:P

the age-old question about love...

What is love? Why do I love a particular person?

Simple questions, but the answers could be so long, such that they could do a better job of putting one to sleep than most over-the-counter sedatives:)

My girlfriend asked me the other day why I loved her...and for a moment, I was speechless. I know, I know...the first thing that comes to mind is probably..."another typical guy." And those who know me best...know that rarely, am I ever speechless...more often than not, I don't know when to shut my trap...another one of my "strengths," methinks. But I digress...why do I love her? We haven't known each other for an extraordinarily long time...we have been committed to this relationship for even a shorter period...and yet, I know I love her. To be honest...I have always considered myself the classical romantic (hopefully this doesn't come across as being too arrogant, as that is not my intention)...not the flowers, spontaneity, and candle-lit dinner type of romantic (as I fail miserably in that department)...but in the way I approach the concept of love.

I like many things...but I love very few. I can like a person easily, but to love them...well, that is a whole different ball of wax:) Some may say that I am a complicated individual, though I think differently...but who can ever be totally unbiased in their own self assessment?...well, for what it's worth...I'm certainly cognizant of my inability. Combined with my "logical" nature...trusting my heart can sometimes be a difficult thing. I once had a discussion with a good friend of mine on the topic of relationships...she maintained that sometimes, one just has to trust one's heart..."carpe diem" she said:) For myself, I always thought it was important for my mind and my heart to be aligned...such that there is no doubt...but that is purely idealistic, is it not? Maybe love is about having faith...maybe it is something where logic has no dominion...and maybe I have to realize that the person with me is taking the same risks that I am sometimes scared of taking. Not sure why I think so much sometimes...maybe that's why those who have the goods on me...they say I am too complicated...or in a word, "picky":)

Well, to rein myself in from another of my tangents, getting back to the main idea. So why do I love this girl. For myself, there were many things I considered before we even started...many more before I thought this way about her. Know what my first answer was? "Um, not sure...maybe just a feeling." Huge letdown, eh? Such a build-up and to end with nary a sputter! But it is a feeling though...and a really cool one. I was chatting with a friend later...and I explained it this way...she is truly special...I don't know everything about her...but if we are lucky, there is a long adventure ahead...there will always be time. I know she is not perfect. But neither am I. We both have our individual histories...our individual mistakes...our individual regrets...yet despite knowing some of these...I choose her...and she chooses me (this latter point I have yet to fully figure out...those who know me are probably thinking the same thing, but I digress).

And this feeling is both complicated and exceedingly simple at the same time...when she is with me...I feel like I am home. And the funny thing is...it is a home that I have never known in reality. To steal a line from my favourite movie "Good Will Hunting"...Robin Williams' character was talking about his wife...and "feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you." If that is not faith...I am not sure what is... ;-)